I’m not posting as much as I should. Mainly because I’ve been leading myself up to start this brand new hot and sexy section of Guilty Your Pleasure. It’s called “The Abyss You Cannot Unsee” and in it we will explore the hidden terrors (and by terrors I mean “WAT IS THIS? I DONT EVEN-) of beloved classics from our youth. And no I’m not talking about the SFX/SEX stars in Lion King or aroused priest in Little Mermaid because frankly those can easily be misconstrued as soccer moms obsessing over what their kids watch. Nay, this is the real shit. The kind of things that stay in your mind and make you deeply question the entire narrative bestowed upon you. Grab some tissues. You’ll probably need them. I think the best way to start this series is with the most mind boggling discovery of them all that, ironically, is from one of the greatest fucking movies ever.

fuck yeah.

The Lion King rules. Period. It’s the epitome of the Disney Renaissance. It’s Disney’s first attempt at an original storyline (although that’s debatable). And, most importantly, similar to Beauty and the Beast, it proved that mainstream animation can resonate an emotional factor just as much, if not more, as the family audience “it’s intended for”.

I mean honestly, what else can be said about it? Well besides this one thing. It started as a plot hole that I noticed. And after picking into it more, I uncovered something truly nightmarish. I was like Robert Langdon but instead of Jesus conspiracies… or whatever that movie was about I was unveiled to discovering one of my all time favorite films had an uncomfortable amount of incest.

Where’s the incest you say? Well that’s right I should probably explain myself instead of just crying “INCEST” for a few more hundred words… Okay. So has anyone who’s seen The Lion King knows of the romantic subplot between Simba and Nala. Their relationship is an interesting case in the Disney Cannon because, on the surface, their relationship is the least messed up. I mean Beauty and the Beast is part bestiality and part Stockholm Syndrome. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White fall under the category of “I saved you… so now you have to pretty much marry me”. And Cinderella, Aladdin and Little Mermaid all fall under “I mean I’ve known you for a few minutes but I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I’ll sacrifice everything to make that happen”. I mean Christ even Mickey is hooking up with a drag queen version of himself.

…yeah I went there

Lion King, however, was a different story. It chronicled two characters who knew each other from early childhood and after a butt ton of tragedy caused by d-bag brothers, they’re finally reunited. And through poetry of Elton John, they become reacquainted with each other with a montage of all the silly stuff lions who are friends would do (I presume?). But after some awkward spontaneity which is eve more awkward because they’re like… you know… lions, Nala gives Simba THE most sex hungry eyes like ever (human, lion, plant or alien alike) and much like the title of the song they feel the love tonight. 

So all seems normal right? …Right? Yeah that’s what I thought until a massive gaping question struck my mind: Who the fuck is Nala’s dad? No seriously. Who? Because we see Nala’s mom for a brief moment in the film’s first act. Why wouldn’t we see her dad? Well that one is obvious since Disney gets a massive one for giving protagonists only one parental figure so one can assume that there was some lion divorce or something… but still if you re-watch all the scenes in Pride Rock, you’ll notice that there is not a single male lion in the pack… besides Simba… and Mufasa.

And you thought this part was depressing.

So… I’ll repeat that: Mufasa is the only adult male lion in Pride Rock. Which brings us to the conclusion that Mufasa is Nala’s father. This means two terrifying things: 1. Simba and Nala are half-siblings. 2. The way the Pride Rock lions spend time together consists of a one lion, twenty lioness orgy. And with Mufasa dead and living inside of Simba (metaphorically and possibly sexually), Simba has a responsibility now. He has to become the Lion King. He has to take his place in the Circle of Life. And by Circle of Life, I mean orgies to keep their species prospering. This means that as much as our disgustingly romantic spirits would wish otherwise, Simba can’t maintain a monogamous relationship with Nala because he has to impregnate the other lionesses… which may or may not include his mom.

Okay. I know what you’re thinking. What about Scar? What about him? He lived outside Pride Rock and was probably too hostile and gross to be invited to Mufasa’s swinger parties. And even in the slight chance that Scar is in face Nala’s dad, what does it matter. Simba and Nala would still be feeling the incest tonight and every other night regardless.

And I know. This kind of thing is probably normal in the lion world. But when they start talking and singing and having other human tendencies… shit just gets awkward as all hell.  And as I stated before Simba and Nala (not counting the more recent Disney endeavors) are the least messed up romance in the Disney universe. The most “normal” Disney relationship is both A. not monogamous and B. revolving around incest. And that is just the most depressing thing… ever.

 

Well there goes the last strand of my innocence.